I have read many a blog where people start one as a means to vent, express themselves, show their creativity, blah blah blah....
DO they remain that way is the real question.... If you look at most blogs (mine included, both this one and the older one), the first few posts are the ones that really come the heart. In my case, I always used to write but never really had a diary or a journal. I used to write at different places about different things and then would never keep track or even bother thinking about what I wrote later. A friend of mine (Thanks Mo) introduced me to this world of blogging... He was a damn good writer himself and said I should try it out and if I like it I should continue.
He was my first reader and for quite sometime the only reader. I never really cared about it because I was writing the blog for myself... not for people to read and write a critique. Soon, some of his friends and some of my other friends also started reading my blog and started commenting. This, I think caused the biggest change of style in my writing. I was more careful about what I wrote and how I tried to express myself. In other words my thoughts were coming out censored. Now this meant that the whole point of writing (for me) which was to vent and express myself was a lost cause. If the original thoughts are not put up the way they flow out what is the whole point about writing.
I never really thought about this then.... I think I was kind of lost in the fact that I knew I had people visiting my thought process and writing was now catering to their interests more than mine... I would write about stuff where I thought I would get comments... I would also ask people what I should write about and then write.... Which is not bad, considering I was still writing pretty decent. But the actual purpose of starting my blog was lost. I continued this way for a few years... I've been blogging for more than 5 years now and this is my third blog.
I made a decision at the beginning of this year that I would only write when I really feel the urge and the motivation to write. I will not write when people ask me to or when I want people to read any stuff I write. This is just my second post this year and I think so far I am sticking to my decision.
Coming back to the present, I have been with my books all day.... been this way the past couple of months! I have a big exam coming up in 9 days and I am fairly confident I will do well.. just a little stressed out though! I am taking a break and heading out of town for 4 days after my exam and I am very excited about it...
So as I was taking a break and browsing randomly, I looked at a blog of a friend and noticed how people change their style of writing (use of big bigggg words) just to show that they know the language better than some others.... Well I suck at big words and I wont deny it. Sometimes, reading that blog I need to google the meaning of the word and I am pretty sure there are a few other people reading that blog who do that too. So what is the whole point of using such "heavy-duty" words when half the people reading them don't really understand what it means.
And so I self contradict myself once again! I talk about blogging for oneself and then I complain about someones else's blog which is using big words that I dont like..... Haha I think it is the complicated math in the physics that is doing this to me....
Wish me luck and hopefully I will post soon again :)
Alright I am back after exactly 9 months! Whew time sure flies quickly....
What have I been upto... Well, one India trip, one more semester and almost a full summer later.... I am still the same ... PhD student... working my ass off and having unlimited fun doing it :)
Disclaimer: A lot of the stuff written below is very random.... things that popped into my mind since my last post and things i started writing but never managed to finish or did not post... They do not reflect upon the present state of my mind :)
Have you ever felt separate from every single human being on the planet? That in no way shape or form are we connected. Just individuals sharing the same instance in a similar location, floating in space, in nothing. Who are we to be judged by one another. No ones lived the same experiences as anyone else. I want to be the guy that finally gets "IT".
I'm above all of you, all of this, above the world. Above the stuff, and the money the feelings and the needing. Who cares how we were created. I know this for a fact, we'll never know or we eventually will find out, and that's all that matters. Why kill each other over how we have gotten here, or how long it took.
Maybe I'm just not intelligent enough to care about the important things and want to seek out the answers. I'm too dull to even grasp at the importance of our creation, or I'm too tired of the fickleness that it has become. The fashion like quality it has taken on. Shouldn't we be capable of governing ourselves? We don't need police. Isn't that what our parents taught us? By punishing us and rewarding us for our good and bad deeds. Isn't the way to act common sense? or has it been lost? I want to achieve something great, to be the first and only to do this.
As we grow older life becomes much more difficult to put into words. I'll be turning 26 this year. Isn't it weird how slowly but surely you grow up, life continues and sometimes without you noticing you're a completely different person.
Its like i have this almost infinite piece puzzle infront of me, with no picture on the front of the box for a reference and I'm still looking for that 4th corner. Right now I'm feeling rather introspective, intelligent and above average, but I'm sure you guys have thoughts like this. I'm just trying to make myself feel better by using slightly large words and talking about nothing. I sum myself up to more than I am. I should realize that I'm just another man of the 6+billion people on this planet.
but i dream of being so much more...
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So many thoughts, so many emotions!!!
i am lost, will somebody find me??
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they claim....
that I have mellowed down.
that I have lost the essential thing that made me me.
that I have changed.
that I cannot be selfless.
that I do not know how to say the things on my mind.
that I know not how to exchange pleasantries.
that I have tried and failed not many times.
that life still has a few lessons to teach me.
that I need to cry my eyes out.
that they are ashamed of me.
that they sometimes hate me enough to love me.
that I need to speak my mind out to them.
that I need to think more and make my decisions accordingly.
that I can still be childlike and talk to them about my loves and lives.
that I ought to write more.
that I should learn to love myself unconditionally.
that I should try to be more "normal".
that I should learn to make more inspired moves towards the fairer sex.
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I was listening to Yeh Dooriyan on repeat the last few hours. To me it felt like the song is about the mood which we all want to capture and never want to let go ...It's a frame of mind ...
The song starts off with a haunting whistling sound coming from a distant place with winds blowing, and Voila !! Mohit Chauhan !! Singing 'Yeh Dooriyaan' a regular, soaked in sweetness, lovely song by Mohit.
A child is born to innocence. A child is drawn towards good. Why then do so many among us go so horribly wrong? What makes some walk the path of darkness while others choose the light? Is it will? Is it destiny? Can we ever hope to understand the force that shapes the soul? To fight bad, one must know bad; one must journey back through time and find that fork in the road, where the good turn one way and the bad turn another....
This is all I have been thinking the last few days... What happened in Mumbai continues to hurt me... it will for a very long time.
It all seems cryptic at the first glance. You step back and look at the whole thing taking in more than what you must. It gets a little overwhelming, but you get used to it after a while. You try to change, but it is the inevitable. You can't. The power is killing you. You are helpless. You submit. You sympathize with the self. Pity, compassion, sympathy seem mere words that no one can relate to. The world now seems a much cruel place and its inhabitants all monsters. The ones who meant most are to be feared. You have no choices. You must not complain. Blame, insignificance and immaturity are synonymous to you. The once cute to be clumsy reaches its apex of irritation. What was once new is the mundane now. But you must not regress, this is what you are to be. This is what you wanted. Your wishes are now true. The regret is simply the twinge of the conscience. You learn to ignore it. Suddenly, you see that's what you are to do. You find your way out. The reverie ends right here and you wish all that you felt never comes true. Your deepest inhibitions to never surface and remain sunk in the deep ocean of emotion !
Written at 1 am while studying for a quantum mechanics and EM test so please take that into consideration before calling me crazy :)
We dream of hope. We dream of change. Of fire, of love, of death. And then it happens. The dream becomes real. And the answer to this quest, this need to solve life's mysteries finally shows itself. Like the glowing light of a new dawn. So much struggle for meaning, for purpose. And in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic. And the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred, to connect. And to know in our hearts... that we are not alone.
My hearts knows all my innermost secrets
How my dreams have become a beautiful golden hue
My dreams, these dreams are all that I have
These dreams will never be taken away from me........................