Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you did something slightly different? How your life would turn out if you took a step in the opposite direction? or if you chose a different career path? or moved to a different city? or stayed in the same city? To me, the butterfly effect is such a mysterious and fascinating thing – one small change in your past could have a ripple effect that completely alters the course of your life.

I have often wondered if I had chosen a different preference for university where that would lead me – would I still be in university for an advanced degree? What about if I did not come to USA in the first place? Would I be more satisfied than my current situation? Has this journey made me a wiser person? Would I still have kept in touch with all the people I do? These question are always unanswered – I always draw up with a blank. It isn’t often that I regret the choices I make but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could have done things a little bit differently.

They say reminiscing about the past prevents you from moving forward into the future but sometimes you just can’t help it. I often wonder about these “what ifs”. Life is filled with so many uncertainties and questions – you cannot help it sometimes, but to think of all the steps that lead you exactly to this point in time, right this instant. Did you make the right choice? Are you making the right decisions? Is your life exactly how you imagined it to be? I am plagued by these questions frequently – like the giant pink elephant in the room, it is like a hazy fog lurking around in the back of my mind, and no matter how much I try to reach out of it to clear the air, I can never seem to accomplish the task.

Is it a mid life crisis? I’m not sure… not sure if 28 is classified as “mid-life” but I certainly have done a lot of reflecting over these last couple of years. Maybe I am just getting old. Nostalgia is such a dangerous thing. It can consume you if you are not careful!

Life is such a tragicomedy, such a satire...

A walk through the forest…
Smell the crisp air,
inhale;
exhale.
Brilliant sensations sprint through my clay body,
ready to be molded into an emotion filled capsule of nature.
Miraculous trees around me sway,
as if a form of persuasion,
telling me to continue onward.
I march lightly,
carefully picking my paths without crushing the innocent,
beautiful blossoms.
Just beginning to bloom,
releasing their perfect scent into the air.
I brush my warm hand against the giant leaves of
the trees.
Feel each vein running water to the tree,
keeping it alive.
The small blades of grass run through my hands gently,
I feel alive.
Continuing ever on,
coming across an eccentric waterfall.
The uncontaminated water flows over the edge of the life-covered cliff.
Splashing in the inviting lake below.
Small, smooth rocks line the edge,
providing a flawless trail to the fresh water.
I come to a mountain,
towering over the rest of the world.
place my hands upon it,
take in its beauty,
and my journey peacefully comes to an end as I rest on the boulder beside me,
closing my eyes and taking in each piece of seamless purity,
One…
Last….
Time….

Sometimes people come into your life & you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are & or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be, but when you lock eyes with them, you know at the very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

Sometimes things will happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, & unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming these obstacles that you would have never realized your true potential, strength, will power, or heart. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness & sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your compassion. Without this small test, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe & comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love & how to open your heart & eyes to things. Make everyday count. Appreciate every moment & take from those moments everything you could possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before & actually listen… Let yourself fall in love again, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up not because of pride, but because you can.

Tell yourself that you are a great individual & believe in yourself. For if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make your life anything you wish…..Create your own life & then go out & live it with absolutely NO REGRETS. Most importantly, if you love someone tell him or her, for you NEVER know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day you live.

Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday…. Was it worth it?

Often we don’t want to see the ‘what’ – it doesn’t fit with what we expect or prefer, or it might be too painful to take in. So we distract ourselves with ‘why?’ which leads to constant thinking and analysis, often repetitive and circular. I sometimes liken the why – thoughts to seductive dancing showgirls, flashy and taking up all the attention – trying to distract from the discomfort of the present, of what is actually so now.

It doesn’t mean that it isn’t helpful to see connections and to have some idea why things happen the way they do. But when we analyze things obsessively and repetitively, it blocks out our intuition and clear seeing. When there is space, the ‘why’ often just pops up unbidden, without any thinking at all, when there is enough space for it to emerge.

We can never really know all the reasons why things happen, and how those causes inter-relate. We see the limits of our ability to understand, and how much of a vast mystery our world is. Yet it can be terrifying to think we are adrift in an ocean of events without really knowing for sure why anything happens. It can be hard to face that directly, so we distract ourselves from the aliveness of the mystery by putting life into an explainable set of boxes.

In reality, everything affects everything else, everything relates to everything else. The complexity of this inter-relatedness defies description. Yet we still look for simple explanations to account for what we see, unaware of the blinders obscuring our vision. Deep understanding never lies in the cognitive world of why, but in directly experiencing the ambiguous complexity of “what.

If you are unhappy, be unhappy. Do not judge yourself for being that way. It is wonderful to be unhappy, it makes happiness all the sweeter. Love your unhappiness. It means you are ready for change. Allow the unhappiness, there is purposefulness in it.

Remove from your life everything that inhibits you from being the totality of yourself. This is called “becoming”. Remove from your thoughts all the have to’s, should’s, must’s. Remove the images you think you must be and just be. Embrace your life. Know that you created it. Love all that you have been, said and done. Know it was all purposeful.

Never see anything as a failure. See everything as an accomplishment. Love the hurt, the pain, the sorrow. For what an experience! What a wonderment! What jewels of wisdom are now in your treasure! Be your own teacher, friend, counsel. Confide in yourself, speak to yourself.

Seek answers that feel right within your soul. Your soul knows what the truth is, and it will tell you through feelings. Always listen to your feelings. They know … they know. Live, experience, feel. Do not seek to identify yourself. You will never have a point of understanding from which you can say, “This is who I am!”, for in each expanding moment of consciousness, you will have changed into the next moment of being. To know who you are is to feel what you feel each moment.

Never do anything, no matter how far you are into it, if you lose the joy of it and it becomes monotonous and mundane. Do away with it and do something else that brings happiness. For perhaps what you needed to learn from it you have already achieved. Go wherever you want to go, do whatever you want to do, for as long as you want to. Create only for the mere joy of creating. When you create for you, you will soon find yourself living in joy.

Don’t ever strive to have anyone understand you. If they wish to understand, they will. Love everyone. Have compassion for all other entities. You do not need to go and take care of them. Love them by allowing them to express however they choose. That is the greatest thing you can do! If they are angered or disappointed by your life, love them by allowing them to be they way. Then you have become a great light, you have understood the essence.

No matter what happens to any of us in life, if we know someone believes in us, if we know someone loves us, it can make all the difference in our world. In turn we can make such a difference in other people’s lives if we only believe in them. And ultimately no matter what happens, we always have each other, for we have all been down the same paths and share the same heart.

I believe that everything we will ever need or hope to find is already within us. I believe that life is the path and we should simply be happy to walk it regardless of the destination. I learn everyday the value of not only believing in myself but by believing in you.